I will eat your heart.
5) You’re walking too slowly in front of me
I’m so glad you have enough time on your hands to wander about, blissfully unaware of your surroundings. Relax. Enjoy yourself. Yes, that window display of different coloured yarn is quite beautiful, isn’t it? Maybe you should stop short and vacantly stare at it. Oh, wait. What’s that? IT’S A ROUNDHOUSE KICK!
4) You’ve been talking about your trip overseas for more than twenty minutes
Holidays overseas are like your children, no one cares about them as much as you do. And stop pining for exotic locations. I don’t want to hear about how much better Rome is every time you take a sip of your latte. If you got explosive diarrhea you’d probably complain that it wasn’t as powerful as the diarrhea in India. I hope your next trip is DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.
3) You’re constantly bagging out facebook, tumblr, twitter, social media etc.
People who don’t use social media don’t have a problem with it. They don’t know what it is. If you ask them about it they just say, “I don’t have one.” You run a blog. You post LOL cats on your facebook. You have a tumblr dedicated to Ryan Gosling. Why are you complaining? Facebook is causing a trend of personal isolation in current society? No, you being a whiny little bitch is causing your isolation. You want a real life connection? How about MY FIST TO YOUR SOLAR PLEXUS?
2) You’re on the train or tram and you put your bag on the seat next to you so no one can sit there
You fucker. It’s called PUBLIC transport. If you have a problem with the public then get a car. During World War II if someone tried to steal two seats on a train they were put against the wall and shot — I think. You want a little bit of extra space? How about a space between your head and THE REST OF YOUR BODY?
1) You’re walking too quickly behind me
Stop being impatient. I’m trying to relax here, douche bag.
